“One, Two.”
It’s been quite a while.
It always sucks to reflect back upon a year, especially when you hate goodbyes as much as I do. It seems as if no matter how bad a year can get, I always find an excuse to look back at the end and create some type of emotional connection to the events that happened within the past odd hundred days. However, this year’s different, as it always seems to be this time of year.
I haven’t written in a while, so I’m a bit out of practice. I’m really just rambling on, but I’m trying my best.
A lot has happened this year. I’ve lost a lot to say the least. I’m being honest when I say that 2012 started off really rocky with the events that unfortunately happened to start the end of a lot of my friendships with people. I spent a good majority of January to April pretty depressed, to the point where I really didn’t feel like talking to anybody. It took a while for things to straighten out, but I still had to carry the giant burden on my back all year. I’d probably be lying if I said that I’m completely fine with everything now, because I’m probably going to have to carry all of this to 2013, but I’m being honest when I say that I’ve moved on. I’m not sure if it’s the same thing, but whatever.
But with all of this, I’m extremely glad to say that I’ve gained so much this year, maybe even more to cover up the losses. It feels really fucking corny to even try to go into details, but for the sake of New Year’s, I will anyways.
I have to say that for the first time in three years, I’m really genuinely happy. Amongst the worst of the events that happened this year, I can now feel as if I have a reason to wake up in the morning and have something to look forward to. I may still hit the lower side of things every now and then, but I can honestly care less. I’m sure she’ll hate me for doing this, but truthfully, this year has been nothing without her so I have no real other choice but to talk about this. But, as corny as it sounds, I’m in love with my best friend, and it makes me so happy to be able to say that after three years of hiding, chasing, and wishing, I can finally call her mine. Truthfully, she’s the main reason why this year was probably one of the best of my life. She was always there to laugh at absolutely nothing with and make me smile when I needed it freshmen year. She just makes me feel so relevant in this world, as if I have something worth living for. I’ve never been so amazed with a single person until there was her. I always love reliving my memories of her because there’s always something golden and memorable within every single moment I spend with her. I can really go on forever about how amazing this year was because of her, but I’d rather not have this turn into one of those posts. I hope she’s reading this. I love you, Alyssa. With every bit of my being… and even some more after that. Thank you for making this year and high school bearable.
But aside from relationship talk that probably makes me look as some big cheesy retard, I must digress. Although socially uneventful, 2012 definitely made me realize where my priorities lie and who my true friends were. I’ve become especially grateful for my high school circle just because of how precious and fragile a relationship can be. If I learned anything from Kairos, it’s that I should love my friends like my family. And I’ve actually really come to love my group of friends, for everything they are. They were always there to make sure I’m okay and that I was feeling better about the whole mess in January. They were the ones to always take concern in the smallest things and come to make me smile with just a simple “Hello.” I was a big mess in the beginning of the year, but they helped me turn it around. So, in the cheapest way possible, I just wanted to say thanks to Edward, Kevin, Andy, Resty, Jul, Gi, Stevie, Miller, and everyone else that brought a smile to my face this year. I’ve never been remotely close to the thought of suicide, but if I were to suddenly change my heart, you guys would’ve helped save my life.
But more specifically, I really want to thank my best friend, Sarah. I’m not sure if you’ll read this, but without you, this year wouldn’t have been as bright and amazing. I know that we have our fights, and we may be super mean to each other all the time, but I feel as if I’ve never expressed just how thankful I am to have you in my life. I feel as if it wasn’t for you, I would’ve never persisted with Alyssa and realized how I really feel about her nor would I have gotten over all the drama back in January. I would also have significantly less injuries if it wasn’t for you, but I’m not complaining. You were always there for me throughout this year, and I’m glad you still are. I love you like the sister I never had… or the sister that was miscarried and my parents never told me about. Regardless, thanks for everything.
2012 may have not been the brightest, nor most interesting year in my life, but it’s definitely been one of my favorites. I may not have topped last year’s summer, but this year still had it’s fair share of events. It seems as if it was just yesterday that I was trying Toxic Waste at CityWalk with my best friends, or when I was watching The Lorax back in March and got my ass kicked in bowling by Sarah and Alyssa. I’ve probably spent a good majority of the year at CityWalk, but whatever.
But I guess this is just another year. I graduate in another four months and then it’s college. I guess you can say I’m pretty fearful of the future. I’ve spent so much time building up this perfect high school scenario with a girlfriend and a true circle of friends that I’m just scared of the possibility that I’ll lose it all. I’m constantly reassuring myself that this will be constant, but I can really only be so sure. I probably hate New Year’s because of the sense of paranoia I have in the upcoming year, but it’s just something I have to live with.
Nonetheless, I’m really thankful for everything this year. Just as every year, I’m going to miss every second of the past 365 days. All the dark times, the golden moments, the laughs, the tears. I’ll miss all of it, but it’s just time to move on to the new year. I know I’ll make the best of it no matter what.
Thank you everyone for everything this year. This wasn’t much of a reflection, but more of a thank you. And I really want it to be. I’m so thankful for every interaction I have with each and every one of you, even if it may be hostile or awkward. I just want to say thanks.
Here’s to a new year everyone. Best of luck to you all.
Much love. -Rolan
1. This Providence- This Providence
2. Smashing Pumpkins- Gish
3. Sleeper Agent- Celebrasion
4. Captain Murphy- Duality
5. Sleeping With Sirens- If You Were A Movie, This Would Be Your Soundtrack
6. Title Fight- The Last Thing You Forget
7. Moneen- Are We Really Happy With Who We Are Right Now
8. Sleeping With Sirens- Let’s Cheers To This
9. Of Monsters & Men- My Head Is An Animal
10. Cloud Nothings- Attack On Memory
